I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
