all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
