I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
