I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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