I can text with my tongue
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
