you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
