Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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