If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
