Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
