The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
