Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
