I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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