all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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