Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
