so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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