she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
