I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
