Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
We had sex on a dog bed..
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
