I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
