Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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