I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
