I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
