question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
