Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
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