My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize