He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
