were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize