Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
