I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
