Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
