Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She needs sedatives and a leash
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
