He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
being pregnant is like rehab
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
