and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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