im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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