What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
