You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Randomize
