Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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