did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
