The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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