hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I love you. Go after that dick
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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