The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
There's always time for handjobs
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
