Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
