I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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