So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
