Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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