i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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