i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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