just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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