my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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