a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize