My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize