That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
