Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
