Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
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