his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Randomize
