so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
