I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
