Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
