I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
