She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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