Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize