So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
