We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
