Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
