Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
