i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
