1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize