I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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