I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize