Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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