apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
