I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
