: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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