The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he shaved USA in his pubs
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
