so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
