I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
