yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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